Dick’s to Purchase Chick’s

Editors Note: Seriously, you can’t make up an actual news story (via) this easy. I mean, really, the only way to make this simpler would be for the merger to include a third company named Condoms.

Pittsburgh, PA – Dick’s Sporting Goods, a national sports retail chain, today announced they will be acquiring Chick’s Sporting Goods. Dick’s will pay approximately $40 million in cash and assume roughly $31 million in Chick’s debt. The deal values Chick’s at approximately $71 million, and will be financed through Dick’s available credit.

Ivan A. Tagu, Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO, noted that several synergies and benefits will result from the new company. “We expect significant value-add from Chick’s, our new partner. Not only will we be able to stop shopping around for less-attractive takeover targets, but we hope to really ram through some back-office integration.”

In addition to the original payment, there will be a further $5 million cash payment from Dick’s upon satisfactory performance of Chick’s subsequent to the merger. Specific performance criteria include keeping footwear inventory at acceptable levels, refusal of alternative merger offers, and reducing Chick’s costs by 15%.

Through several interviews with company representatives, it was clear Dick’s was taking over Chick’s, not the other way around. Chick’s CFO Harold Twaliker noted, “We had never considered a merger with another sporting goods company. But then Dick’s came around, and they’re offer was so large we just couldn’t pass it up. We’re definitely hearing pleasurable comments from Chick’s employees and shareholders.”

The merged company will not rename it’s individual stores immediately, preferring instead to keep them separate. In the future, Chick’s stores may be renamed to Dick’s as lease agreements at current business locations expire or Dick’s decides Chick’s isn’t performing well.