Dick’s to Purchase Chick’s

Editors Note: Seriously, you can’t make up an actual news story (via) this easy. I mean, really, the only way to make this simpler would be for the merger to include a third company named Condoms.

Pittsburgh, PA – Dick’s Sporting Goods, a national sports retail chain, today announced they will be acquiring Chick’s Sporting Goods. Dick’s will pay approximately $40 million in cash and assume roughly $31 million in Chick’s debt. The deal values Chick’s at approximately $71 million, and will be financed through Dick’s available credit.

Ivan A. Tagu, Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO, noted that several synergies and benefits will result from the new company. “We expect significant value-add from Chick’s, our new partner. Not only will we be able to stop shopping around for less-attractive takeover targets, but we hope to really ram through some back-office integration.”

In addition to the original payment, there will be a further $5 million cash payment from Dick’s upon satisfactory performance of Chick’s subsequent to the merger. Specific performance criteria include keeping footwear inventory at acceptable levels, refusal of alternative merger offers, and reducing Chick’s costs by 15%.

Through several interviews with company representatives, it was clear Dick’s was taking over Chick’s, not the other way around. Chick’s CFO Harold Twaliker noted, “We had never considered a merger with another sporting goods company. But then Dick’s came around, and they’re offer was so large we just couldn’t pass it up. We’re definitely hearing pleasurable comments from Chick’s employees and shareholders.”

The merged company will not rename it’s individual stores immediately, preferring instead to keep them separate. In the future, Chick’s stores may be renamed to Dick’s as lease agreements at current business locations expire or Dick’s decides Chick’s isn’t performing well.

Headline Roundup

You know you’re a raging line-snorter stretching the law when you file this sort of case –> link

They aren’t first? –> link

OMFGWTF!!!! I was saving myself for you! You whore! –> link

Good news fatties. You can lose weight AND reduce the chance you’ll have a problem getting it up! –> link

Cause, you know, dealing blackjack and installing an engine are similar skills. Have I ever mentioned the UAW is out of touch and worthless? –> link

Recent Study in Attractiveness

Boston, MA – Over the past 10 years, researchers at MIT have been studying the effect of overall attractiveness on the number of sexual partners a person has in their lifetime. Funded by a grant from the Department of Health, it found that attractive people will have more sexual partners over the course of their lifetime.

Dr. Nevgota Lochazex was the lead researcher on the project, in addition to several assistants. Initially, the research team had trouble finding a sufficient population of attractive students in the Statistics department at MIT, so they had to submit advertisements to the Boston area newspapers for individuals to participate in the study.

As part of the research, participants were required to have cameras installed in their bedrooms. This allowed Dr. Nevgota Lochazex and his research team to observe and record the specific instances each participant brought a sexual partner home. According to Dr. Lochazex “We like study. My research team and I spend many good hours watching and recording statistics. Very good time.”

Several of the participants in the study refused to talk with us, citing confidentiality agreements they signed with the research team. However, a few indicated they did not feel comfortable with the research team. Study participant Kanna Fuku, a junior at Harvard, found Dr. Lochazex a unique individual to work with. “He was always breathing real hard, and the office always had like three dozen rolls of toilet paper near the computers. It was really strange, but the research pay was good so I guess it worked out.”

New Jersey Number for Hart

Ann Arbor, MI – In a surprise move, Coach Lloyd Carr called an emergency press conference today, announcing a new motivational tactic for the Woverine football team. Star senior running back Michael Hart was also in attendance. Coach Carr indicated he had picked Michael Hart as the sole spokesman for the tactic, which is to remind the team of the range of available grade point averages at the University of Michigan. He explained this will be done via Hart’s jersey number, which is set to be “0-4″, as shown below:

Several reporters asked about the relationship of Hart’s new number and the recent record of the Wolverines against The Ohio State Buckeyes, especially since Hart and the other graduating seniors had never beaten the Buckeyes. Coach Carr’s only comment was, “That’s a false connection if I’ve ever heard one. You guys all know my main objective is graduating these kids and preparing them for the real world. This is nothing more than another way to ensure they stay focused on the classroom before our bowl game. I will say this though: If losing that rivalry game each year helps them realize life ain’t fair, then I’ve done my job.”

Michael Hart indicated he was proud to be singled out as the lone spokesman, despite his mediocre grade point average. “Look, I’m out there everyday, telling everyone how awesome we are. Sometimes, our team sometimes needs a reminder that school comes first, especially after a humiliating loss at home. Trust me, it’s happened a couple times this year. I’m extremely grateful Coach chose me to wear the ‘0-4′ number. I just hope I can set a positive example for all my teammates.”

Senior stars Chad Henne and Jake Long were unavailable for comment. However, Coach Carr has indicated he might have commemorative “0-4″ jerseys made up for every senior who graduates this year as a reminder of the grade point scale and how student athletes are truly remembered.

Special thanks to BuckiAJ for this post.